Reviews For I Want Him Dead!

Name: SiriuslyPeeved (Signed) · Date: 01/05/09 4:46 PM · Chapter: The Love Potion and the Birth
I liked this chapter very much as an AU. I think it moved perhaps a little too quickly through the scene changes, and I was a bit confused as to where each scene was set. Did Roxanne have the baby at home? This chapter would benefit from moving more slowly and taking your time to develop each scene. This is an issue I struggle with myself.

I'm intrigued by the idea that Voldemort tried to terminate Roxanne's pregnancy and failed. (Is that what he tried to do?)

I have a few formatting hints for you, please forgive my nitpicky comments. Typically, spoken spells are italicized in the Potterverse. (If they are mentioned or discussed in dialogue, they are not italicized, only while being used)

The back story for your character is intriguing. I encourage you to keep writing, and I'm glad you've joined us here at Gluttony!

Author's Response: Actually he was trying to make it so, Rose could see the future when she was born. I can see how that is unclear. I am considering rewriting the first couple of chapters, because they very dialogue filled and make things a little confusing.

Name: datbenik513 (Signed) · Date: 01/05/09 10:02 AM · Chapter: The Love Potion and the Birth

Not bad at all for your very first fanfic, I would say.

The idea is original and the story's got some nice potential. I liked how the chapter started, but then it got kind of slow with that first dialogue between Tom and Roxanne. Validators don't really like chat-style dialogues  and it just doesn't read that well. Try to add some interjections, emotions to spice it up a little bit.

There's a typo in the last paragraph, I think you wanted "baby" instead of "bay". Other than that, I have no criticism.

As I said, looks promising. Will certainly follow up on the next chapters!

Author's Response: Thank you! I will take your advice and try to follow it when I write. I might re-write the first couple of chapters, because of the whole dialogue thing.

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