This is a good setup chapter, and it has potential to pan out in many different ways. I didn't have a problem with the Bathilda issue, either. I always found it somewhat vague in the canon.
thanks for the review
just tell me when the story loses focus.
I am sure thateven though it terribly long, there are some good sub plots in it
For starters, I won't promise when I will have time to read through this, or review each chapter, but I'll give it a shot.
I won't repeat anything that Holly_I already said in her review, either, other than a bit of dialog helps. Myself, I get abusive of it, so watch out for that, too. The nice thing is that you can always edit, add, and then tell us all about it so we go and look again.
Admitedly, for me, this is a difficult premise to make me want to read the story. I would think that if the Dark Lord's ghost showed up (and I doubt if he could, due to the Horcrux issue) there were be Ministry exorcists everywhere to get rid of him.
Then again, perhaps Hell for him would be to watch all the happiness going on, in which he cannot share or affect. THAT would be a fitting punishment -eternity of happiness and love all around him. I hope you considered that, as it could really really go places.
review when you read something unbelievable or extra good
otherwise just read and enjoy
Oh, I just LOVE the fact that Odessa and Jasmine are BFFs, that is payback Karma of the highest order!!!! Draco and Neville's girls hanging out together . . .HE!HE!HE! What a picture . . .and what fun this could be in future chapters!!! Looking forward to it . . . well, gotta go fix dinner, but first the boo-boos I found . . .
They're getting fewer and not so worrysome, so take heart, we'll get you up to snuff in no time!
Odessa slid over on the bench seat to give room to the girl who walked in and sat down next to her. you just said the girl had walked in and sat down in the previous sentence, no need to say it twice, drop the last bit of the sentence.
She looked at Odessa and said ‘you’re right, they are cute together. ‘she said to the kids, ‘Odessa told me you too would be together. She said that you were almost like twins by the way you stuck together.’ I’m Jasmine Malfoy, but you can call me Minny.’
Watch your punctuation and verb tense, remember that discribing/telling the story is in past tense, but dialogue is in present tense unless the speaker is telling what someone has said previously. Also watch repeating yourself and use different words instead of 'said' and then 'said' or 'together' in the next sentence/bit of dialogue.
She looked at Odessa and said, "You're right, they are cute together." Turning to the kids she remarked, "Odessa said you two were almost like twins, the way you stick together. I'm Jasmine Malfoy, but you can call me Minny."
and helped them to another compartment to wait for some help. to wait for the spells to wear off. You used 'help' twice in one sentence
Thanks again for the helpful words.
I hope the 'bad writing' isn't hurting th story too much.
Well, we're off to hogwarts and I'm glad to see Luna and Neville married in your story, as they are a couple in mine, too. And since you've seen fit to marry off Draco to somebody other than Astoria, I can't wait to find out what bit of the puzzle THAT is to become . . . potential abounds!
Also some typos and Canon boo-boos:
Deatheaters into the castle. Before the fight with members . . . castle, before
Draco had taken over the Burgess and Borkes . . . Borgin & Burkes
ask his brother-in-law Ron about here. . . her
It seemed that the occupied compartments were already divided by both house and year.
The four school houses being Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Gryffindor.
combine these two sentences by both house and year; the houses being Ravenclaw. . . ..
she was slimmer than h
her mother Luna and . . . . you said mother Luna in the previous sentence, so just say mother here, drop 2nd Luna.
blocked out the sun form reaching . . . from
Crumple horned snack or Snargles. . . . Crumple-Horned Snorkack or Nargles
just a couple . . . refer to Harry Potter Lexicon ( just Goggle it ) , to double check things . . . I found that reading a chapter backwards, last sentence first, helped spot typos, as your brain knows what you've typed so it skips right over them if you read it in order.
ONWARD to the next chapter! HE!HE!HE!
I always saw Draco as defiant and would never have believed that he would go through with an arranged marriage. Thats why I gave him a different wife.
Hummmm, now this is an interesting twist to the story . . . more of Dumbledore's moves behind the scenes . . .with Hermione and Hortence helping . . .that's opened up all KINDS of possibilities . . .I can't wait to see where you take this!
HOWEVER . . .
Here comes the grammar, spelling, puncuation, canon nazi - ME! I decided to show you what could be fixed in this chapter to make for better reading and smoother flow, to say nothing of correctness from your OCD reviewer . . . HE!HE!HE! If it's too much, just let me know, don't want to overwhelm you and/or squash your writers spirit . . . when I wrote mine, I had to think back 45 years to 7th grade grammar to get MINE right and it wasn't easy! ( Yeah , I'm now 61 years old - Mom-mom Holly!)
He had been coming to visit Hortense Binns for over a year now, under the pretense of assisting him in writing another history book. . . . assisting her
Harrod has heard from others, who have spoken with Hortense, that she has said, she has some stories that 'should never be told.' Had heard, had spoked, had said . . .watch your verb tense, you're speaking in the past tense and can't change to present tense unless someone is speaking.
Harrod had not notice that the . . . noticed
‘Well, I don’t think I said she was a wizard that helped with the construction of the school, it was more the idea of one school to teach our children’, she smiled to herself thinking that she had just given the most important of clues.
Okay dialogue lesson:
"Well, I don't think I said she was a wizard that helped with the construction of the school, it was more the idea of one school to teach our children." She smiled to herself . . . I separated the dialogue from the rest of that sentence, because it doesn't connect as in: our children," said Hortense, smiling to herself . . if you'd used a verb ( said, whispered, remarked, etc, the rest of the sentence could stay attached . . .but as it is, it's 2 different bits
‘the boy had enough complications in his life without adding to it with stories of his ancestry.’ Her old friend Albus had told her many years ago when she had first discovered the connection.
you could do something like...
Many years ago her old friend Albus had told her, "The boy has enough complications . . .of his ancestry," when she had first discovered . . .
the next bit was almost right, just puncuation:
‘Maybe Reitha is correct, . . . again in a couple days.’ Hortense said in her
"Maybe Reitha is correct . . . again in a couple days." Hortense said, in her
Reitha stood,’ If the nice . . . Reitha stood. "If the nice stood is not a speaking verb, so gets a period not a comma.
‘Yes ma’am,’ . . . "Yes, ma'am." period.
She had made sure that the remaining books that Dumbledore had hidden from the Hogwarts’ students, were then returned to the school library.
Either insert a comma between books that of take out the comma after students
Also, use" " aroudn dialogue, so you can use ' ' around thoughts that people have . . . 'I just bet he did,' thought Harry "I just be he did," said Harry
I'll let you look all this over before I contuinue reading and if you decide you just want to hear my thought s on your story plot as opposed to my corrections/suggestions, then I'll back off, without any hurt feelings on my part.
I know this will be a great story . . don't get discouraged!!!!!!!
As long as you do not mind making the suggestions, I don't mind seeing them.
I am cutting and pasting them into the original, rather than into the posted version.
I will then switch the whole chapter at one time, making any other changes all at once.
I will be direct here, returning the favor, as to story suggestions. It took me years now to get the direction of the story right in my mind.
I wrote for almost a year without organizing the chapters. When they came to me, I just wrote them. Then afterwards I moved what I had into some order. Everyone told me I needed an outline, I tried.
Please keep reading and if you decide to stop, tell me. So I don't wait.
Okay, I liked that you picked up where the book left off . . . your story can go just about anywhere. So, I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
Around here ( Gluttony ) I'm the one reviewer who not only reviews EVERY chapter I read ( almost 780 reviews so far ), but I'm honest in my opinions and try to be helpful to those who ask for any suggestions, as you have done. So, here goes:
1) You're not writing paragraphs, just sentences . . . try to group those sentences into bundles that talk about the different thoughts you're having.
2) You're not using any dialogue, which I understand; it scares the willies out of most writers and is extremely difficult, punctuation wise, to get correct.
3) You asked about the length of the chapters, but I have found that about 1,800 to 2,500 words - depending on the twist s and turns of the story, is a good length. ( in my 7th year novel, they were a bit longer, 3,000 to 4,000 words, but the action was faster and they read quickly )
ANYWAY, I'm gonna keep going and let you know more of how the story plot goes then worry about structure . . . you can always go back and tighten that up later. (combining chapter, etc. ) Use of dialogue is something you'll have to plunge into in your own good time, when YOU'RE ready, not because of anything I say.
Okay, on to the next chapter!
P.S. I'm glad you've made lilly a bit of a pistol, as having James as an older brother must have toughened her up early in life! To say nothing of being related to the Weasleys . . . oh, by the way, there's no e on the end of Voldemort!
Thanks for the Review.
I am going back and touching up chapters.
I have had the story completd for a while, but because of the 'errors' I am reading it through a few times before posting.
I like the next few chapters I am going to post. A really interesting bit, if I say so myself, about Harry's grandparents. Petunia and Lily's parents that is.