Gluttony: Fanfiction
Indulge Yourself!

Name: datbenik513 (Signed) · Date: 17/06/2011 09:04 am · Chapter: Chapter 1

Honestly, I didn't like the movie, but I will read everything that brings Harry and Hermione together.

I think this is a very good start to the story and a fairly good introduction to your original character. That's a very important thing and you pulled it off perfectly. I can see her in front of my eyes, you visualized her that much.

Onto the nitpicking thing. There are a few minor language issues in the chapter text. Capitalizing "Mum", "Dad" and other family members is fine, but I would decapitalize colours, "Birthday",  "Reception" and "Wedding Singer". 

Your closing sentence would be more effective written like this:

And that day - like I said - will be soon…

It carries the foreclosure of something grand to happen. Try to read it aloud, putting a brief pause at the hyphens. Different, ain't it???

Like I said, a very promising start and I will be looking forward to more. Good job!

PS. Just one tiny remark. How very interesting that you and I both chose Lily as the name of Hermione and Harry's daughter. See my story "Shadowlands" here. 



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