Gluttony: Fanfiction :: Indulge Yourself!

Name: granpa harry (Signed) · Date: 16/01/2011 12:20 am · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

Very good story. I would like to thank Elena for allowing you to post it.

I would say that the thought Catherine had in your story, was more of a wish than an actual event.

You are correct. who did this is not as important as the fact that it was done.

Really enjoyble.

Name: datbenik513 (Signed) · Date: 12/01/2011 06:52 pm · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

Oh my Goodness. I'm going to go all fan girl on you, you realize that?

This was tragical and beautiful in its tragedy. For some reason, it reminded me of the end of the "big showdown scene" in "Once Upon A Time In The West", when Harmonica shoots Henry Fonda's character and he's dying, his heartbeat slows down and his breathing stops.

Totally amazing style, beautiful allegories and a couple of Kleenex tissues consumed. Bravo. Full marks. Oh my god.

Author's Response:
oh my god, thank you so much! <3333 i got an e-mail notification and i was like, 'what?!' haha, i'd totally forgotten that i'd posted it here.

but yes, this means so much to me! D: you're far too nice. -squish-

Name: Bella_Portia (Signed) · Date: 26/12/2008 10:47 pm · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

This was a nice word picture of a particular moment in time

In terms of concrit, I would suggest just a few things.

Personally, I think I would have established earlier on in the piece that this was a random terror attack at a park. Other readers may differ on this, but I would have liked a few lines to help me visualize what had happened. On the one hand, you mention "countless bodies." On the other, Catherine mentions how "they" went out to celebrate a birthday party, which, in combination with other of her statements, suggests a limited number of people attending a celebration in a park.

"Throat too raw to scream" – this was a good line, and – for what it is worth -- it struck me as a good alternative opening line for the story.

"Dark blue gaze raising to the skies above, she whimsically counted the stars, delirium taking over her." I questioned the choice of the particular word, "whimsically," which means fancifully or, sometimes, erratically. A dying woman would not generally be thought of as acting in a fanciful manner. She might act erratically; but that meaning does not really fit in context.

"thought to be one of the countless dead bodies left there" – you consistently maintain Catherine’s POV through the story. However, the italicized line shifts the POV from Catherine to some unknown onlookers or participants (or Death Eaters who pass her by). Perhaps: they left her among the dead. OR . . . among the countless dead bodies. OR . . . she lay among the countless dead. ANYWAY, what I’m trying to suggest is wording that maintains her POV. But note: this is really pretty subtle; I just suggest the paragraph might be strengthened by keeping it strictly within Catherine’s own perceptions.

I think this was quite a strong piece, and very imaginative.

Name: Eyriana (Signed) · Date: 24/08/2008 06:55 pm · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

Hi :) I'm Blaire, and I believe I helped you out with this on SAYS - left you a critique, anyway. I just reread it, and wanted to give you my thoughts on it now. I don't remember what I said before, so dismiss any redundance :P

There isn't a lot of detail in this - you've left a lot out, such as the real part of the attack, but I know that this is meant as a drabble, so that's okay. I don't think you meant the attack to be the most important part anyway, but the aftermath. I kind of see this as a study of your writing, more than anything - and the writing in itself is beautiful. Especially the last line, which is so powerful.

I still like this, and I think you did a great job. I'd love to see more from you!

Blaire

Name: Jen (Signed) · Date: 02/06/2008 01:33 am · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

I like how you have allowed the reader to place their own interpretations on this story... it means that each person reading it will have a slightly different understanding of the story at the end. For instance, I had not thought of Aaron being a brother until I read Ginwannabe's review.
Very well written. Well done.

Author's Response:
Eeeks, sorry I took so long!
Thank you so much for the review. :D It means a lot to me since it's the first fic I've posted, and yeah. Like I told Ginwannabe, I do think I'm going to eventually expand on this.
Thank you again! *huggles*

Name: ginwannabe (Signed) · Date: 01/06/2008 02:57 pm · Chapter: Sleep Does Me No Good

Ayesha! This was amazing. So terribly sad, but the descriptions are unbelievable. I can feel the pain and anguish that she's feeling. I'm a bit confused though. Is Aaron Catherine's brother or son? That part is a tad unclear. Well done, though. You do angst very well!

Author's Response:
Ah! Sorry I took so long!
Anyway. Thank you soooo much for the review! *blushes* You're too kind. As for Aaron, he's actually Catherine's nephew. She just takes care of him a lot and is incredibly close to him. She thinks of him as an almost-son. I believe I'll be expanding on this oneshot with a short story.
Thank you again! *glomps*

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