The scene where Luna first casts her hare patronus, and it curls up on Harry’s lap, like a cat, was a wonderful scene. In fact, it was as graphic a depiction of a couple intended to be together as any other Patronus configuration could be. It seemed to signify that one’s happiness, one’s fundamental self, was at ease with the other.
I thought the scene was overall very interesting for its Patronus lore. Yet, on the other hand, it got a bit far afield. It seemed not unreasonable for Harry to tell Luna the whole Snape story, as he was close to her and it might have seemed natural. On the other hand, it seemed like a bit of a digression – not only as to Snape, but also as to Lupin. To me, the “point” that was one’s Patronus would change to become coextensive with the source of one’s happiness. If Snape unconsciously (or his magic, unconsciously) identified Lily with the doe, it would become a doe. (Perhaps Lily’s Patronus was always a doe and the Patronuses of the men around her changed, James’ to a Stag and the celebate Severus’ to a doe.) Similarly, Tonks loved Remus, not his Patronus (which is never identified, I don’t believe.) At some point her unconscious, or her magic, might recognize that her greatest happiness was associated most strongly with the image of the wolf. This is very wordy. I guess I’m saying that the “point” seemed pretty straightforward, even thought the discussion was interesting.
At the same time, I appreciate that Harry and Luna were trying to “be sure” of the implications of what they were experiencing.
I think the part about them having the same strange, erotic dream was a neat bit of foreshadowing. I am assuming it will pave the way for the more descriptive sequence to come.
I was a little bit thrown by the bit about the Rotfang conspiracy. (What happened to the sinister third prong of the Rotfang Conspiracy, from whence it gets its name – dental disease?) And I never heard that Healers are involved, although Dark Magic is. I thought it would make more sense for her just to insist seeing her more holistic practitioner, “because some of the potions and spells they use at St. Mungo’s are bad for the body, Harry!”
And I was disappointed when you mentioned that Dr. M’Benga came from Star Trek. Because I was feeling very clever and looking forward to pointing that out all by myself. I’d like to think that a great-great-great-great grandson of your Dr. M’Benga will one day assist Dr. McCoy.
I kind of regret this isn't set up to preview a review. It's a fine chapter. I apologize for taking so long. I've been drowning in NANO.
Author's Response:
I really felt the Patronus discussion was part of this chapter, but I can see how you would feel that it wasn't the place, but I promise that it will be important not only in the upcoming battle scene, but also in the trips through the soulscapes. And I think the three situations are quite different but related.
Snape-his Patronus matches Lily's in some mystical way, deep-rooted in how he perceives Lily.
Tonks-her Patronus changes to match her perception of Remus, but based on a shape that he actually has and she might have seen (we don't know really if she ever saw him in wolf form, but I assume so).
Harry and Luna-their Patronuses haved switched. I'm having this be a kind of psychic connection, but it's still rooted in how they perceive each other. Harry perceives Luna as sort of flighty and bouncy like a hare, but hares are also fierce when cornered and really quite cute. Luna will perceive Harry as a strong figure, willing to help protect her, but also someone who is flawed, not complete. I will try to keep Harry from appearing as a 'knight in shining armour' as that's a cliche I want to avoid. There's more to it than this, but that's the simplified answer.
I'm glad that you liked the dialogue. I would say that it's the number one thing that reallyginny has helped with. She's really showing me how to tag it appropriately and make it more natural.
Well, as for the third prong of the conspiracy, maybe the Healers are the cause of the dental disease. I thought that this part of the story needed to show that Luna was still Luna and not willing to bend one bit about her strange beliefs.
As for clarifying the M'benga reference; I thought it was necessary to not plagiarise and I wanted to pay tribute to the old Trek series in a more subtle way. Originally I had M'benga being male, but I thought there was no reason she couldn't be female and I thought it would make Luna more comfortable as well.
No apology necessary for how long it took and congratulations on your NANO, I see you have almost completed your 50,000 words. I eagerly look forward to reading it.
Oo, Oo, a new chapter!
This is getting scary, as well as lemony! Luna's reational about the Patronuses is a bit off and Harry, as usual, doesn't get it. The boy is clueless! No wonder he hung with Hermione.
I'm wiggling in anticipation! Hurry and update ASAP!
HE!HE!HE!
Author's Response:
Lemony??
Thanks for the kind review again. Luna will be a bit OoC in this fic at points, but for good reason. Harry is clueless sometimes, but he always does what he feels is right at the time. Later in this fic, he will find out that what feels right at the time might not be the right thing.
This chapter was 100% new, and the next is a re-write, but it's taking a while as I haven't had much time to sit down and write, plus what I have re-written I didn't like, so I'm scrapping it and re-working it.
Sorry for the delays in updating, I'm pretty slow at updating.
But it was a really good scene, with very natural-sounding dialogue.
Next scene:
In Harry's brief internal monologue: why did I have to go and break it again? -- technically, he didn't break it off. He messed it up with his unfortunate talking in his sleep.
Where Harry climbs a hill -- He quickly realised his error, -- this was not clear: do you mean, he quickly realized where he took a wrong turn? Or he recogized his error in setting foot on the path to Luna's?
I liked the way Harry tried and failed to sneak up on Luna, and her reaction to him. It's so Luna.
"I don't know. I've been trying to start over with Ginny, . . . afraid to let me out of their sight. It seems to me that this is huge. He hasn't seen Luna for awhile, he's barely said hello, and suddenly he's unloading everything that's on his mind to her. As a result, I kind of want him to have an introspective moment of -- gee, suddenly, I can just say what's bothering me, completely drop my guard; and I can't do what with anyone else. Not even Ginny. And that's both wonderful and kind of disconcerting. [Anyway, just a thought/reaction.]
At the same time, Luna's speech about Ginny not being "the one" seems a bit obvious. (On the other hand, you have a better sense of what's in character for Luna than I ever will.) She is very direct. Even so, I would expect a woman in that situation to be (to use an Umbridgism) "a teensy little bit" more subtle.
Collopetrus.= a fine-sounding spell (and I wish I could do it when I'm coping with rocks in the garden.)
Mr. Lovegood apparently meets Harry for the first time. This confused me a little, because I thought they met in DH when the trio came to Lovegood's house looking for information on the Hallows, and Lovegood tried to hand them over to Voldemort.
In the scene between Harry and Dean, where Harry says, "I-Dean, I-I've been thinking a lot about Luna lately as well, maybe even obsessing. . . I'm not sure if I still love her or if I just want her as a friend." -- this seems like quite a lot of gut-spilling to someone to whom he is not close and to whom is a natural rival. It struck me a little odd that Harry would say that much.
The last thing I will say is that the bit about Luna and the dementor, which you delineated very well, is HUGE. With all the romantic stuff about Ginny and Luna, it is important that the dementor part not get lost in the shuffle, because it is the creepiest, most imaginative, and most integral-to-the-plot part of the entire chapter. Harry should have his mouth open during Dean's entire story. (You might even want to save the part about the matching Patronusus and have Dean mention it later -- just a thought.)
I tried to make a review worth reading. Don't think I didn't like the chapter. I thought it was super -- expecially the last part about the dementor sort of reverse-feeding on Luna. That was great.
I also liked the little dementor-think at the end That as an excellent touch.
Author's Response:
I can see why you would be waiting for a reaction from Hermione, but my vision here was that she was still a bit in shock from Harry yelling at her, but I guess she would be used to it-he did a lot of it at various points in the books. You are absolutely right that it's his subconscious or something like it drawing him to Luna.
Well, while he didn't technically break it, he felt like he did and that's one of the main points of this story-if it felt real then it was real. It's a theme that is repeated a lot toward the end of this story, as you know.
Hmm, you're right, the part about 'realising his error' doesn't make sense where it is-it's an artifact from the previous version and needs changing-thanks for pointing it out.
Ooh, a bit of introspection before he starts to unload on Luna would be great! This is a really good suggestion that would help to explain Harry's reaction to Luna's question better. Luna's speech about 'the one' was meant to be blunt. She's quite direct and I think she realizes that sometimes you have to hit Harry with a brick to get his attention. Also, she's feeling things that she's hidden away and even for Luna that must be hard.
The part with the intro to Xenophilius is explained in the story-the first time they met at the wedding, Harry was disguised as a Weasley. The second time after Xeno talked about the Hallows and the DEs came to capture Harry, Hermione used a memory charm on Xeno so he wouldn't remember their visit.
Glad you like collopetrus-I don't often make up spells, so I liked that one.
Well, I think that Harry is close to Dean, He lived with him for at least six years and they were shown to get along together at times. Yes, they were rivals for Ginny and now are rivals for Luna, but there's also the strange male bonding that can happen in those situations. Plus, Harry is trying to mollify Dean by saying that it's not his fault (denying culpability is also very male when it comes to relationships).
The new part about the Patronuses is very important as it will be a new part of this story delineating how people are and what they are inside.
This is the first Harry hears about the Dementor and you're right, he should have had a stronger reaction--at this point, I'll put it down to being numb, not author mistake (even though it is author mistake).
Glad also that you like the Dementor bits. I thought they would be necessary to keep the reader remembering that the Dementor is after Harry and wants to escape.
I always appreciate your honest and helpful reviews.
This seems very familiar, so it's difficult to tell what is changed and what is the same as in the prior version. I do think that, whether you altered it or not, it reads very tight and moves along. It seems shorter than the word count indicates.
The funeral of the Lupins was very well done (whether I've already seen it exactly as is, or not).
For some reason I cannot really identify, the last clause of the sentence, "Teddy was awake and watching the proceedings with a quiet intensity quite unlike a baby." -- reads a little awkward to me. It is, likely as not, just me; I'm just mentioning it for what it's worth. I suppose if it were me writing, I'd say, ". . . quite unlike any baby he'd ever seen" or maybe, " . . . quite unusual for a baby." Just a subjective reaction.
Where MacKinnon says, "'Better safe than sorry though with that many Ministry officials and children there.'”
-- I would probably set of "though" with a comma. But it's purely a matter of style.
I liked the emphasis on Teddy's reaction -- I think it really made the little guy's loss real.
Just as an aside, I've always wondered about these nameless eulogists who officiate at impotant state funerals. JKR started it by having a nobody officiate at Dumbledore's funeral (and then again at Bill's wedding, if I remember correctly). I didn't get it. I just happened to think of that, when reading that the person officiating at Tonks' and Remus' funeral was another person nobody recognized. (True, such a person officiated at a funeral for a relative of mine; but she'd outlived every minister she had a personal relationship with, so there was a reason for it.)
The scene with Harry and Ginny, as they sat against the rock, was lovely. And, because it was so tender and credible, it made an excellent set-up for the cliffhanger that ended the chapter.
Author's Response:
Elizabeth, thank you for your review. Your comments are always much appreciated. As for nobodies doing the eulogies, coming up at Fred's wake, Harry will be saying a few words, followed by his teachers and classmates, so that should satisfy that itch. I totally understand your point, but I think it's because JKR just glossed over religion and all that goes with it and that's why the nobodies.
I'm glad you liked the scene with Ginny and Harry-it was not in the original and was necessary so to establish that Harry still loved Ginny, but that events are overtaking him and he's not sure what's going on. I had to have it so it didn't just seem like it was a case of Harry 'insta-dumping' Ginny for Luna. Harry would never just drop Ginny without an explanation (like we see Hermione do in so many of the bad Dramiones).
I actually think I'll delete the word 'though' entirely from that sentence. Thanks for the word choice comments.
I think you'll find the whole story very familiar, but with lots of added detail that I'm hoping will fill it out better as it seemed a bit skeletal at points the first time. I can't wait until you get to 'Friends or Lovers?" as that's an all new chapter that had to go between when Harry visits the Lovegoods and when he goes to Fred's wake.
I can see so many people getting hurt in the process. Poor Dean and Ginny and everyone. Well, maybe if Dean and Ginny could get back together it wouldn't be so bad but something very dangerous is about.
You have wonderful story-telling skills. This is now in my favourites! x
Author's Response:
Yes, the Dementor is after Harry, and now it's angry, or at least as angry as it can get with its subdued feelings. As you will see later, there's more to it than just simply the Dementor luring Harry with Luna.
Thanks for the praise about being in your favourites. I'm honoured.
Yes, people will get hurt in this fic. I can't say much more without serious spoilers.
The scene with the coffee machine was wonderful and very entertaining. It also showed George's state of mind very vividly.
Now, what has happened between Harry and Ginny? Has he confessed that he has feelings for Luna? The saddest bit is that in your story Harry and Ginny seem right for each other too. Poor chap, what's he going to do?
Author's Response:
Well, I always thought that Harry and Ginny would be a good, but fiery match, with each of them being stubborn. Harry, who's never been good with the girls really has a dilemma here. If he chooses Luna, will Ginny stop even being his friend? Will Luna try to steal him away...or is that even what's going on here?
I really like the scene with George and the espresso maker, and reallyginny helped me tweak it to better show his emotional state. I have removed a lot of needless cursing from this story and this was one of those places.
Thank you so much for your reviews.
Author's Response:
Thanks! Characterisation is something that I really wanted to work on in this re-write as Ginny, Dean and Molly were all too harsh in the original. Ginny won't take it well, you can be sure. This is a type of horror story, so I want to prepare you for some sad times.
Poor Ginny, I think that sometimes because I don't care for her character that she gets the short end of the stick.
You portray the Dementor's despair so well and it's such an original idea.
Now, what's happened to Luna? I very much hope that her soul is alright. And Lavander? Oh, my God! Really forceful and scary! Fantastic job!
Author's Response: Thank you for the very nice review. Yeah, I don't think that I've seen anyone else try to do a Dementor's POV before. As for Lavender, in one fic I have her dead and in another she's a main character--I guess that I can't decide what I think about her. :)
[Parag.]“Then you need to be brave and stand with her now.” She kissed him on the forehead again, stood and left, leaving the door open behind her.
-- I don't know whether I said it in the first incarnation, but this is a nice piece of dialogue: suitable, touching, and very Mrs. Weasley.
I also thought the passage at the funeral, where Harry reflected on the afterlife, was lovely. (Again, perhaps I'm reading it for the second time, perhaps not.)
Luna, who had turned her head slightly to gaze in Harry’s direction, her eyes completely filled with black. -- megacreepy!
I think this was a very fine chapter, with just enough balance between the romantic (to wit, the budding attraction between Harry and Luna) and the horror elements.
Author's Response:
Nope, that piece of dialogue is some of the new material from the re-write. From here on out, it's going to be a bit different from what you read before. reallyginny helped out with the flow of that dialogue, so I want to make sure and give her credit.
The part with Harry reflecting on the afterlife was all new as well, I'm glad that you like the new additions. I really feel like I learned a lot from writing this the first time and I want to improve it without eviscerating it.
The scene with Luna's eyes is also all-new. I wanted to make it more clear that the Dementor was starting to have an effect on her; I think it was a bit too subtle the first time.
Thank you for the very nice review and your comments. I'm going to try to up the romance factor a bit as well.
The Dementor is conceived as an entity with personality. (That is a new element, no?) I think that is very original, very difficult, and will work very well for the story. Instead of being an unthinking force of some kind, it is now a creature with a mind and a will.
And, BTW, doing it first person from the Dementor's perspective -- I think that works great.
In that very last few lines, where reacts to discovering a thread of memory: that will help a lot with the clarity of later chapters, when Harry enters Luna's mind and encounters threads. This early reference helps establish the nature of those mysterious thread that will reappear later.
The part about the Dementor being unable to suck out her soul because her thoughts are too happy, and her grief tucked away -- I thought that was very effective. I also think it is a very good way of setting up a somewhat complex plot. Furthermore, it has a psychological logic.
Finally, I thought the writing of the scene "in real time" depicting Luna and Dean, was very good.
Author's Response:
Wow! Thanks for the very nice review. reallyginny has been helping me as a beta for this re-write and her suggestions have really helped to improve the flow and pacing of this story. I have all of your reviews from HPFF backed up with the appropriate chapter as well and will be taking some of your comments there to heart as well.
I'm really glad that you liked the new re-write of this chapter. The Dementor's personality isn't new, but I wanted to show it more clearly--that's whey there will also be vignettes of the Dementor throughout the narrative of the rest of the story.
This chapter is about 25% new material and about 25% completely re-written material-with most of the new material being the Dean/Luna interaction being expanded. Your suggestions and other's suggestions (specifically Ydnas Odell's) made me think about clarity and how to expand it for this.
As always, I consider your comments and reviews very important to me. You were the first to give me really specific CC that I think has helped me grow as a writer.
Holy crap!
Poor Dean, he can't catch a break, can he? And Harry, even without Baldie Voldie around, still seems to have everything dumped in his lap, doesn't he?
Ginny's pissed at Harry, Dean's pissed at Harry, Hermione will mull this over and over until she figures it out, the Dementor wants to get Harry, Luna is just Luna and Ron is clueless.
Typical day for this lot, huh?!?!
HE!HE!HE!
Author's Response:
You'll definitely see a lot more of Dean in this and he will 'not a catch a break' a bit more even, sorry, Dean.
I do want to say that the Dementor wants both Harry and Luna, not just Harry. Ron will show up more soon too.
This definitely won't be a typical 2 days for these characters soon. Yes, the whole story takes place over 3 days.
Thanks for the review.
Aw, crap! NOW what did the knucklehead do?
I bet knuts to nifflers he said Luna's name in his sleep or called Ginny Luna when he woke up.
And little Teddy takes after his Mum, huh?
That will make for an interesting career at Hogwarts, with HP as Godfather and Marauder's map in his back pocket.
HE!HE!HE!
Author's Response:
Your guess is interesting, mostly because I just finished re-working that next chapter and the argument completely changed from the original story (in the original the argument was with Hermione about her and Ron not returning to Hogwarts). I'm not going to say whether you're correct or not, but it's an interesting guess.
Of course Teddy takes after his Mum, but I don't picture him as a Marauder, since I detest the Marauders. I can't see Harry giving him the map, but maybe Teddy could 'acquire' it.
Oh, crap, there's something's not right with this picture.
Is Luna speaking her true feelings or is the dememtor controling he?
I always thought Harry and Luna were a good pair and was a little diaappointed that JKR put Ginny and Harry together.
This is getting good.
And I wonder what George has up his sleeve?
I've got a bad feeling about this.
HE!HE!HE!
Author's Response:
I'll answer your first question first: maybe and sorta...
I never really cared for Ginny (heresy) except for the scene where she says that she learned to fly by taking out her brothers' brooms in turns.
I love H/L and had to write a story with them. Luna is by far my fave character. George has a wake planned, with an open bar, singing, and general good times...oh and fireworks to celebrate Fred's life.
Sweet Mary, Mopther of Pearl!
My mind is going a mile a minute sorting thru everything you threw at us in that one chapter.
The fact that Luna was compartmentizing her painful memories like she had explains a lot about her attitude in life. And her tendency to skip.
HE!HE!HE!.
Can't wait to read more, so I'll be back in a tick!
Author's Response:
This is absolutely 100% AU, as you could tell by the Harry/Luna tag. Poor Luna and her painful memory, you will have to wait a while to see that, but I promise that it will come.
I had this picture in my head after reading HBP of a Dementor trying to suck Luna dry and just overloading on joy and exploding...that's the genesis for this story. I always thought that Luna would be an excellent match for Harry.
It was fun to try to write from a Dementor's POV. I think the re-write here is MUCH better than the original.
Thanks so much for your reviews.
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