Gluttony: Fanfiction :: Indulge Yourself!

Name: Bella_Portia (Signed) · Date: 05/01/2009 09:44 am · Chapter: Chapter 1

I thought this was an outstanding story. I was really tremendously impressed with the way you used language. You truly created a pictures with words, used words in many places in a way that was more poetic than literal. I felt the entrance to Dumbledore's house, felt the strange awkwardness that your main character felt, saw Dumbledore's head in teh doorway. I'm going to have to come back and read this again.

My critiques are grammatical/typo types of things: (1) gild the broken titles (s/b: tiles); . . . bright eyes, they're lives (s/b: their lives); (3) Your travel's have done you well (s/b: "Your travels" [no apostrophe]); (4) how the old place carry's on (s/b: how the old place carries on); (5) of your sister Albus (s/b: sister, Albus [needs comma]); (6) wonderful Albus (s/b: wonderful, Albus [ditto];(7) but I did Doge (s/b: but I did, Doge [ditto]); (8) implies Europe Doge (s/b: implies Europe, Doge [ditto]); (9) wearing glasses Albus (s/b: glasses, Albus [ditto]). (10) Pakistan: The country of Pakistan was not founded until 1947, long after the events in your story. You may want to consider substituting Afghanistan (which would probably fill the bill with respect to the references in your story) or some other country. (11) "But Elphias doubted that few understood Albus the way he did." Perhaps: But Elphias had no doubt that few understood Albus the way he did. (12) Gringott's (s/b: Gringotts'. (This one throws me, too; but, having made the same mistake in a story of mine, I'm pretty sure Gringotts is the name of the bank.)

Once again, this was an exceptional job.

Name: BKL8008 (Signed) · Date: 14/12/2008 08:13 am · Chapter: Chapter 1

My initial reaction to JKR bringing Dumbledore out of the closet was one of, "Oh, no, didn't see that one coming at all..."
This is the first M/M AD/OC story I've run across (not that I look!) and it's well done without being perverse or offensive. In fact, it's quite touching. On a more serious note, it also makes one try to imagine when they realized this, and at what age they 'came out'; things we don't see here, but can't help but wonder. I think it's excellently handled.

Name: JLHufflepuff (Signed) · Date: 11/12/2008 07:20 pm · Chapter: Chapter 1

I like the way you characterize both of them in their friendship and in Elphias's complete love of Albus. I love the way you simply just mention that he knew Albus had loved someone else but didn't know who. This is just a very simple, sad, and brilliant work!

Name: blissbug (Anonymous) · Date: 23/11/2008 02:19 am · Chapter: Chapter 1

Wow, thank you! I actually never bothered with slash myself for a really long time, but I was reading HBP when I got inspired with this story. It wrote itself in about two hours, and it's one of my favorite pieces. Thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing!

Name: Holly Ilex (Signed) · Date: 23/11/2008 12:33 am · Chapter: Chapter 1

Okay, I'll admit it, this is the first slash I've ever read, but that's because it's all been ridiculous pairings of know heterosexual men/boys and I just thought it too silly to bother with.

But knowing that Albus was gay, I thought I'd give this one a chance.

I'm glad I did, as it was tasteful, introspective, plausable, and sad all at the same time. Makes Albus more human and understandable in his relationshops with others.

Bravo on such a well written story.

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