I'm intrigued by the idea that Voldemort tried to terminate Roxanne's pregnancy and failed. (Is that what he tried to do?)
I have a few formatting hints for you, please forgive my nitpicky comments. Typically, spoken spells are italicized in the Potterverse. (If they are mentioned or discussed in dialogue, they are not italicized, only while being used)
The back story for your character is intriguing. I encourage you to keep writing, and I'm glad you've joined us here at Gluttony!
Author's Response: Actually he was trying to make it so, Rose could see the future when she was born. I can see how that is unclear. I am considering rewriting the first couple of chapters, because they very dialogue filled and make things a little confusing.
Not bad at all for your very first fanfic, I would say.
The idea is original and the story's got some nice potential. I liked how the chapter started, but then it got kind of slow with that first dialogue between Tom and Roxanne. Validators don't really like chat-style dialogues and it just doesn't read that well. Try to add some interjections, emotions to spice it up a little bit.
There's a typo in the last paragraph, I think you wanted "baby" instead of "bay". Other than that, I have no criticism.
As I said, looks promising. Will certainly follow up on the next chapters!
Author's Response: Thank you! I will take your advice and try to follow it when I write. I might re-write the first couple of chapters, because of the whole dialogue thing.
Disclaimer: This site is a place to host Harry Potter Fan Fiction, The Vampire Diaries Fan Fiction, Twilight Fan Fiction, Original Fiction, Original Poetry, Drabbles and RPG (Role Playing Game) Fan Fiction. This is a not for profit site and is in no way connected to or endorsed by J. K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing, Hachette Book Group USA, Summit Entertainment or Warner Brothers. All Twilight Characters/places/settings are copyrighted to Stephenie Meyer. The Vampire Diaries Books and characters/places therein are the property of L.J. Smith and HarperCollins. The Vampire Diaries TV Series is copyright to the CW Network and Alloy. The Dresden Files/Codex Alera is copyright Jim Butcher. These stories are licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction. All other works of Fan Fiction are copyright to the original creators and no copyright infringement is intended. The original characters and plots are the property of the author and may not be borrowed or copied without permission. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. TOS, Submission Rules, etc., are property of site admin. Gluttony has been open since 14/02/08.
Bad Behaviour has blocked access attempts in the last 7 days.