Gluttony: Fanfiction :: Indulge Yourself!

Name: SiriuslyPeeved (Signed) · Date: 10/10/2010 03:18 pm · Chapter: The Midnight Games

I think you did a beautiful job with this story. Sabrine is a layered and nuanced character, and you show her interior landscape so clearly. The only thing about this story that rings a little less than true to me is that a 19-year-old would probably not have a curfew, except in an exceptionally strict family, which it doesn't seem like Ben has in this story. Sabrine takes Ben for granted for years, starting from childhood, and only when she begins to realize what she's done to their relationship does he decide he's had enough.

The second person technique works very well here. I didn't see any problems with it, Sabrine's voice is believable during the entire story.

This is a gorgeous line: "Water's boiling on the stove, but I'm not getting up to turn the burner off. I've thrown open the curtains on the window above the sink, but it's as if the sunlight passes right through me." It brings the reader both into Sabrine's physical location and into her state of mind.

I also loved the ending -- thanks for requesting a review, I really enjoyed this story!

Author's Response:
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I hadn't thought about Ben's curfew until you brought it up-- I suppose it is unrealistic. I had originally intended for his accident to happen when he was younger, just after he got his driver's license, but then I really wanted to put in the bit about the Midnight Games Sabrine and Ben had after their prom.

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